Nothing prepares you for losing someone you love. No amount of time or forward planning can make it easier. It hits you like a blunt instrument at the back of the neck, like sharp stabbing to your stomach, it’s as though your legs have been removed and replaced with immovable slabs on concrete. Life continues to happen yet you look on as though you are a voyeur, not a participant. The sun still rises every morning just as it always has but it feels different now. More intense somehow.
My boyfriend had lung cancer and died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. He’d been feeling better and was planning to play his cajon at Music in the City (a free music festival in Southampton). He’d been out for lunch, been driving his little red car with the roof down and had even had a beer in the sunshine. He rang me at that afternoon, he sounded so well, we were looking forward to a weekend together. That weekend didn’t happen the way we’d planned.
Since then my life has been very different. I’ve been concentrating on creating a new normal for myself and my children. I’ve got a part time job for the first time in 5 years and I’m throwing my mixed up, crazy headed, distracted self into creating a happy, hygge home for my family.
As for me, well, I’ve spent too much money, am eating too much and am not really facing up to what happened which is why I’m writing this. I hope this, along with the sewing I started today, will be a step towards my “New Normal”.
If you’ve got this far then you deserve chocolate! Tomorrow I’ll be blogging about hygge and how it’s having a positive impact on my life this Autumn.